Sunday, March 3, 2013

5 Worst Movies of 2012

I've been watching lots of movies recently, (ya know, cuz of Oscars and stuff) and I thought it would be cool to make some blogpost inspired by movies. But before we get on into our list, let's talk about my best friend. The Oscars. Overall, I thought the Oscars were pretty good this year, I thought Seth McFarlane did okay, definitely better than James Franco. Argo definateley deserved that Oscar, and Jennifer Lawrence is too friggen hot. We all knew Daniel Day Lewis would win best actor, and Anne Hathaway supporting actress. Now that I think about it, the Oscars weren't even that great.

Okay, on with the list. In contrary to the Oscars, which praise excellent films, I will shame on the horrible ones. Well, at least on my opinion.

5. Wrath of the Titans- Jesus Christ, how bad is Wrath of the Titans, the sword-and-sorcery sequel to Clash of the Titans that nobody wanted, directed by the dude who made us go mad with last year's horrifically stupid Battle: Los Angeles? Three months after seeing it, we can't recall anything about its plot, and that's because there really isn't one in the first place.

4. Borat- Truthfully, the fact that Sacha Baron Cohen lazily rehashed his Borat/Bruno shtick to make the more traditional Hollywood comedy The Dictator isn't the worst thing about the film. What truly weighs The Dictator down so much that it sinks faster than a fat man floating without Swimmies is its total disregard for intelligent social satire.

3. Battleship- My friends and I made a game in which we all betted to see which Michael Bay movie would be worst. We had a Michael Bay marathon, and I put all of my money on Transformers 3. Sadly, we all agreed that Battleship had to be one of the shittiest movies ever. It was inspired by an 8-year old's board game, except with a twist: Explosions every 30 seconds and aliens taking over the planet, cuz why not?

2. Rock of Ages- This could have been No. 1. It really could have been. A few people strongly encouraged it as well. But I ignored them the same way I ignored how much I detest Russell Brand. In fact, Brand had nothing to do with my decision, at least not his acting. If I were going to sack this film just based on acting alone, well, that honor would go to Alec Baldwin, and it really pains me to say that.


This movie was so bad that I almost wanted to walk out of it. I pirated it.  I’ve said too many times that bad movies can be good if we simply shut off parts of our brains and expect certain things from them when we walk into the theater. In the months leading up to the release of this film adaptation on the Great Emancipator as a malicious opponent of the blood-sucking undead, I championed the possibility that director Timur Bekmambetov could make a good movie. 

I was so wrong. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was an ambitious project that failed to capture the underlying silliness of the book, which was essentially the only thing this had going for it. If Abraham Lincoln had lived long enough to see this film, he would have let the vampires win.

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